Strange as it may seem, this life is based on a true story." - Ashleigh Brilliant
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True blue Scorpio
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Wednesday, September 03, 2003
Due to the worm/virus crap that has been going on so much lately, they've blocked a lot of our Internet access here at work. Including the ability to get into online email accounts. I did most of my emailing from work (I don't get on the computer much at home anymore - I go through spurts), so if you haven't heard from me in awhile via email, this is why.
I'm not in the best of moods today. You see, this used to be a very bad time of year for me. The week leading up to the dreaded date of September 7. Me and this date don't have a very good past together.
It all began on Labor Day, 1998 (Sept. 7 that year). We lost my grandmother. While this in itself was devastating - what made it worse for me was that I was not there. My ex and I had gone to his hometown in Arkansas - a little mini-vacation - except that it was on a whim and we didn't tell anyone about it. I won't go into the details, or even explain the extreme psychic warnings that plagued me throughout the trip (that I ignored because I didn't know any better then). By time we returned (around 4am) and called my family (there was a note on the door), she was dead, the wake had been the night before, and we had to be at the funeral in a few hours. We'd been on the road for 14+ hours and it was like a nightmare; very surreal. I'd missed her wake - I'd missed her death - I'd missed all of the family pulling together at that time. I was very close to my grandmother; in fact, I'm just like her. She was the only person in the world who ever truly understood me and all my strange quirks. She was also the first person I was very close to that had ever died. I really sort of lost a few grips on reality at that time.
Fast-forward to a year later. The ensuing year was pure hell for me and the ex, another thing I need not go into. By time Labor Day weekend rolled around once more, we were basically penniless and squatting in a friend's abandoned house. September 7 was a day I was dreading - the one year anniversary of Mo-Mo's death. My ex broke up with me on that day - the man I had lived with for 4 years; my first love; the man I was spiritually married to (yes, we had a ceremony). He was all the adult life I'd known - we'd been together since I was 18. Now, at 22, I had nothing and no one - and had hit rock bottom.
Needless to say, though I've picked myself back up and made a wonderful life for myself, that time of year is very hard on me. Every year since, when September 7 would roll around, I'd go into a deep depression the entire week before and the day of. One year I even slipped back into my old addiction of self-mutilation (to this day, those are my worst scars). Last year, however, I was so caught up in all the surgeries with my knee, the date passed almost unnoticed. I realized it didn't affect me as it once did. I have made peace with my grandmother - she is still with me, and forgives me for missing her wake (and asked me to forgive myself, as well). I have gotten over her death and know that she is happy where she is now. I have gotten over my ex; as well as anyone ever gets over their first love. He'll always haunt me, but it's not something that destroys me anymore. I've learned to let go of that painful past, and all the hell we went through.
So today, when I realized I was feeling the beginnings of being depressed, I wondered if it was because Sept. 7 was coming. Even though I've grown past that time and much of that pain, could the conditioning of being depressed this time of year for the past 4-5 years have made its way into my subconscious? Am I just down because of stress at work...or is it really because of that dreaded date looming near? I'd like to think that Sept. 7 is no longer a problem for me; no longer something to fear/dread/rage against. I thought it wasn't...but in light of my current mental state, could I be wrong? Can one overcome the painful memories of a particular date...especially one that used to mess me up as that one did?
In parting, I'd like to say that just writing this out, and sharing that pain, has made me feel better. Perhaps this year I will finally conquer the demons of Sept. 7 - and next year it can be...just another day.