Strange as it may seem, this life is based on a true story." - Ashleigh Brilliant
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True blue Scorpio
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June 2003 July 2003 August 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006
Tuesday, December 02, 2003
I spent a good few minutes trying to find the correct word to describe how I felt for my website Imood updater. To give you a good idea before we start, I came up with irritated, malevolent, furious, and vexed (I finally settled on "vexed"). Not pretty words. Well, "vexed" is a pretty word, but I meant pretty in the sense of "not very nice", or negative. Yes, there is absolutely nothing positive in my attitude today. N o t h i n g. And I don't know why! That's the worst part. I've fallen head first into a black depression, a fetid apathy and a raging aggression with no prior warning. I just woke up one day all discombobulated! I'm fucking depressed!! And not depressed as in I'm having one of my blue moods that come and go sporadically with my not-officially-diagnosed-bi-polarism; it's not a passing dark spot or a PMS-induced funk. It's none of that. I live in a constant flux of extreme highs and severe lows; I'm actually used to the ups and downs of my emotional state. I've learned to live with them. But this - this is full-blown depression! I should know. It's the restlessness mixed with apathy, the lethargy and the bitterness. It's the feeling of being surrounded by a black blanket that no one can really penetrate. It's panic attacks and sick-to-my-stomach dread. It's wanting to do nothing but sleep and a complete disinterest in anything that previously held my attention. I can't even keep my attention on anything long enough to be productive! How in the hell did this happen? I've been living in a dark mental world since my teens; I know how my mind works. This kind of depression - not the fleeting, usual kind I always get in bursts - but this full-blown version of the real thing doesn't just "happen"! Something leads up to this - you can feel it coming. It's something that grows and builds, feeling bad for a period of time that just slides down into the shadowy echelon of actual depression. You don't just wake up one morning completely and utterly depressed. Especially when the days before you were completely happy and complete!! That's never happened; not like this.
It started yesterday. I was terribly depressed - forcing a smile was a huge effort. By time I got home, the constant putting-on-a-happy-face at work had gotten to me and I was feeling physically ill. I worried I might be catching the flu, because surely I couldn't be so suddenly depressed for no reason! I just wanted to go to bed. But I forced myself to sit up and watch my favorite evening shows. Though I didn't really want to; I didn't want to do anything. Baret sat with me, worried at my sudden sullen manner. He took my temperature and made me eat an orange. I began to feel a little better, having him sit with me and losing myself in Law & Order for a few hours. But by bedtime it had returned. I was sick to my stomach, fighting a mini-panic attack and feeling just awful. This morning was but another phase in my current condition. I woke up mad - fighting mad. I was snapping at Baret, and I have to do my best at work not to snap at my co-workers. I'm so irritated and tired and down it's ridiculous. I had wanted to stay home today and try to recoup my mind, but I forced myself to come in. There's no reason for me to be this messed up, and I can't give in to it.
The only thing that I can think of is that it's hormonal. I had gotten off of my birth control pills for almost a month - waiting for the gyno appointment, and then pussy-footing around about getting the 'scrip filled. You see, I don't have periods if I'm not on the pill. But I've done this before - stopped for a month or so for whatever reason and it's never had this kind of effect on me. I started taking them two weeks ago. No reason for me to turn into a psycho-hose beast now.
I've always prided myelf on being able to handle my mental instability alone - i.e., without meds or counseling. I was on anti-depressants for a few months, but I didn't like what they did to me. I was happy all the time - or rather, I just didn't give a fuck. That didn't feel right to me. I am a passionate person - that is who Shanna is. And I wanted to experience me - the good and the bad of my extremely passionate nature. The Zoloft only dulled my passion and made me a pastel version of myself. I couldn't jive with that. Though it isn't the right decision for everyone, I decided to learn to live with me the way I was - crazy and extreme. I've learned to ride the waves of my ever-changing psyche, enjoy the highs and fight through the lows. I think it's a beautiful trip. I know me and I know when I'm about to change, and how to deal with.
That's why this hit me so unawares. There was no prior warning, no reason for me to be so depressed. There was nothing; just the alarm going off Monday morning and my waking up wanting to be dead. Was I that upset over having to go back to work after such a long holiday? Could I hate my job that much and not even realize it? Maybe. Was it that I was so busy during the vacation that I never had time to actually "rest" or "relax"? Couldn't be - that's just life. Is it possible that I experienced something so wonderfully positive Saturday that it just spent every last drop of optimistic energy that I possessed? It's happened. Might it be that I experienced a few things this weekend that made me very angry and I kept them in rather than let them out? Such things have a way of finding an outlet regardless. Possibly it's just a conglomeration of all that.
I don't know the reason - it's going to take some time to sort out. But first, I've got to live through this awful, black funk. I can tell you now that just writing all of this out has made me feel a bit better - it always does. That's the first step.