Strange as it may seem, this life is based on a true story." - Ashleigh Brilliant


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name: shanna
age: 28
sign: scorpio
live: louisiana
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The current mood of shanna at www.imood.com

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Pin-up girl by Rion Vernon; used with permission. Header design by the totally awesome Rose. The rest by moi.


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Tuesday, March 09, 2004

Ever heard of Googlewhack? I hadn't myself until a few weeks ago. It's basically typing in two obscure dictionary-accepted words into the Google search engine and having it come back with only one result. Which isn't as easy as it sounds - but not quite as hard either. I was able to come up with three successful Googlewhacks myself, and keep meaning to post them on here but I keep forgetting. Of course, now that I'm posting and thinking about it all at the same time, I don't have my list with me. Blech.

I did, as I said I would, write an email to the mayor of Los Angeles expressing my disapproval of the Cuervo proposition. I could not find an email address to send anything to the tequila people, or they'd of gotten it from me as well.

I believe I did a bit of emotional growing up this weekend past, and I have to say, it felt good. On Saturday I had a visit with my soulmate and we ended up arguing over something petty. Both of us were too prideful to be the first to apologize and end the entire stupid thing, and our visit ended with us both being terribly upset over ruining our time together.

So on Sunday when Baret and I were leaving his parent's house after a nice visit, I did something silly. When I'm drunk, I like to yell out the car window at people. Just a silly "Whoo-hoo!" or "Lookin' sexy!" - something I've done when riding with my friends just to make them laugh. Except I usually do this in Baton Rouge, a slightly large city, where anonymity is assured. You don't do these things in a small town where everyone knows everyone, and you're down the road your boyfriend's parents live on. There was this young girl, she couldn't have been more than 13 or 14, walking with her boyfriend. Except this girl had on shorts that made daisy dukes look like a nun's robe. They looked, to me, more like panties; they were skin-tight and her ass was even hanging out of them. It bothers me to see young girls dressing like this. I was drunk, and not thinking, so I yelled out the window as we passed, "Put some clothes on."

Okay, it was not cool of me. I know that - but whatever. As soon as I did it Baret yelled at me, "Shanna!" It was his tone that got me - a disapproving, what-in-the-hell-is-wrong-with-you type of yell. I immediately felt bad. I hate being fussed at and I immediately felt guilty for yelling at that kid. It's not her fault her parents let her walk down the street like a 'ho, right? And what if she knew who we were, and went back and told her family who told his family what I'd done. Not cool. I don't care what people think of me - but I didn't want people thinking Baret, for his sake, was dating some kind of evil bitch (even if it is true). I clammed up and Baret could tell I was fuming. He tried to talk to me a bit but I completely ignored him - I was in a rage.

The thing was, I wasn't mad at him; I was mad at me. I don't deal with guilt very well - a point made obvious when you look at the scars on my arms from my past self-mutilation. I hold myself, I guess, to a high standard or something - whatever it is - I can't stand to feel bad or guilty about something. It eats at me terribly, and no one could be harder on me than I am on myself. After almost an hour of silent driving, I muted the radio and said, "I have to say something."

I could see the look in his eyes, "Oh god - here it goes." He thought I was going to light into him about calling me out. Instead, I said, with a shaky voice, "I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at me and I'm sorry. I just don't deal well with being fussed at and feeling guilty." He was so happy that I'd admitted that and said he really thought I was angry with him. He said that I do get very defensive when I feel guilty and he wanted to help me work on that. We then had a great talk about our relationship and how we both deal with anger. He admitted that when I poke and prod at him to keep talking about an issue, rather than let it drop, he hates it - but that he had to admit it had made him better able to accept when he was wrong and, also, to think about what he was doing and why.

I felt good about the whole weekend - I met up with one of my oldest demons and faced it. I believe I even began to conquer it and that's an amazing feeling.


- shanna bared her soul & griped a bit @ 11:42 AM
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