Strange as it may seem, this life is based on a true story." - Ashleigh Brilliant
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True blue Scorpio
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Friday, June 25, 2004
I learn so many important and enlightening things from my junk email box. I'm talking about the kind of peace of mind that can only come from knowing, for example, that I can consolidate my debt with a Christian perspective.
I was musing over the strange celebrity name-thing I wrote about last entry, and realized that if Madonna's son grew up and married David & Courtney's daughter, the headlines would read:
Rocco Ritchie marries Coco Cox-Arquette.
Perhaps I'm the only one that finds that sing-songy heading humorous.
Well, folks, I went to my very first therapy session yesterday. I liked the social worker, she was a very nice Pisces lady. Yes, I asked her what her sign was - maybe it's not important to some people but being a slightly-higher-than-novice astrologer, it's important to me. Of course, she scribbled something in her notebook as soon as I asked her that; yes, let 'em know you're a looney right from the start, that's what I say.
I know it'll take awhile to warm up to her, but I like her. I'm going again next week and she wants me to see a psychiatrist to talk about getting on some meds. Yeah, you know, the thing I said I didn't want to do. I still don't want to do it and am in quite some turmoil over it now.
I explained to her my personal reasons for not wanting to be on pills; that I felt it was a cop-out on my part, that this is who I was, as mental/emotional as I may be, and getting on pills to "be normal" (whatever that is) was skirting the issue of learning who I am and how to live with myself. That if I just let the pills "make me" some certain way, then I wasn't getting to the root of who I truly was and why I was that way. Maybe I think too much.
She said that if I was a diabetic and had to be put on insulin, I wouldn't think there was anything wrong with that. Well, no, but that's different. Isn't it? She said that my mind might be sick with "chemical imbalances" that the meds would help - that they might help me be who I might be without those "chemical imbalances".
But I'm not a person without chemical imbalances so why would I want to live like one?
I'm really confused, okay?
I've told myself that this is only temporary. Honestly, I'm usually quite capable of dealing with my roller-coaster emotions and panicky, over-wrought mind. It's just that with this struggle with my leg, I'm not as equipped to handle my mental/emotional self as I once was. So perhaps this is temporary help. I won't be on the pills forever - I don't need to be, I know I can deal with my "mental imbalances" perfectly fine when I am functioning perfectly fine again. Really. I believe in the power of the mind, and I believe in me. Right now I'm just in a rut.
So maybe I will take the pills to help me out of this rut. Once I'm a healthy, mobile person again I can get off of them and learn to deal with my mind and emotions as I should.
But damn it's hard to go against my own thoughts on the subject; I think I can do it without pills. No one seems to think so! They act like it's impossible, it just can't be done. But is it right to think that everyone in the world's problems can be solved with a bunch of synthetic, man-made pills? If everyone is getting on pills to deal with LIFE, then how is anyone learning to cope naturally? How can we learn about our true selves and how to deal with our selves and our nuances if we're hiding those behind all this medication?
Help me out here. Your thoughts? I'm really stuck.