Strange as it may seem, this life is based on a true story." - Ashleigh Brilliant


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name: shanna
age: 28
sign: scorpio
live: louisiana
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The current mood of shanna at www.imood.com

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Pin-up girl by Rion Vernon; used with permission. Header design by the totally awesome Rose. The rest by moi.


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Monday, June 14, 2004

I'm sorry I've made everyone wait to hear the news - it's something I've been trying to digest myself for the past few days.

The doc made a lot of sense - more sense than my first doc had ever made. He explained that all of the manipulations in the world (the two "surgeries" I had after the initial one to free up movement) would never have worked - that, in fact (and as I have known deep down all along), muscle and scar tissue have melded together. The thing I liked about this new doc was that he didn't try to sugarcoat or fill me with false hope. He was very straight-forward:

"This may work and it may not. I'm not going to tell you I can fix you 100% or that I can have you fixed in a few weeks. It's going to be very painful and a lot of work."

I told him I understood that. Full range of motion is a dream to reach for now, a more viable goal is just getting the damn thing straight enough so that I can walk again. But if I can do that - shit, why not go and reach for the stars?!

The surgery is scheduled for July 8th - 9 am. It's going to be a basic arthroscopy at first. He says there is a "pocket" right above the knee and he believes mine is full and all fissured together. If, after sucking some of that out with the 'scope, he still cannot get my leg to fully straigten, they are going to cut me open and scrape this "pocket" out (actually "recreating it" he says). I will wake up from surgery in a CPM machine. For those not in the know, this is a contraption that bends and straigtens your leg and is exceedingly painful. I'm trying not to imagine what that wake-up is going to be like - having just been cut on and scraped out, waking up to a leg that's been frozen for *two years* being bent and straigtened in a machine I'm not allowed to control. Ow. I'm scared, okay. Really scared. I'll be in overnight, possibly two depending on the amount of pain I'm in.

I've been on a roller-coaster of emotions ever since; as you can imagine. I'm a fucking wuss - let's be honest here - and the thought of the pain I'm going to be in very soon has my stomach in knots. Part of me is excited - ready to meet this new challenge and, this time, succeed! I'm ready to walk again, damnit. Two years on crutches is not my idea of a fun time, and really, it's a crappy way to live life. I'm tired of living in my bubble of "I wish I could do that". No matter where I'm at or what I'm doing, it never stops, a mantra in the back of my head "I can't do that". Can you imagine what it's like to be jealous of someone getting up and walking to the bathroom? I felt displaced from society, even distanced from my loved ones - looking at them, interacting with them, yes, but still seeing everything from a window; I felt imprisoned in myself and very, very alone.

The doc has said there is a possibility this won't work; and he didn't seem to think there was much else to try if it didn't. That doesn't mean it won't or that there isn't, I know, but it's a frightening thought that I'd suffer through all of this for naught. But I don't believe that - I believe if I go at this right, if I stick to it (I'll have to be in the CPM machine 6 hours a day for at least 4 weeks) and work through the pain, then I *will* be fixed; maybe even moreso than I'm hoping for.

Since Thursday (when I found out) I've been alternating between a quiet determination, a buzzing anticipation, absolute terror and trembling will. I feel like I'd imagine a first-time expectant mother would, ready to end this present nuisance, terrified of the pain that has to be gone through, and excited at what is to come after it's all over. Well, it's been a very long pregnancy, following that analogy, and I'm more than ready to send my crutches to a dark corner of the closet and walk on my own two feet again. Ready, you hear me? I am scared, but I am ready.


- shanna bared her soul & griped a bit @ 6:19 AM
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