Strange as it may seem, this life is based on a true story." - Ashleigh Brilliant
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True blue Scorpio
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June 2003 July 2003 August 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
I thought last nite that I would have terrible nightmares - that I would wake up every hour scared and at the beginnings of a frenzied panic attack. Instead I dreamed that I traveled to Europe - a long held dream - and fell in love with it. I was walking in this dream.
Yesterday the doctor's office faxed to me the necessary paperwork that stated I would be needing to take extended leave from work. Under "Diagnosis" the doctor had written one word:
I stared at it for awhile and then jumped on the Internet to see what in the hell it was. It turned out to be exactly what I'm suffering from. You mean there's a name? You mean I'm not just "messed up", some freak case that's never been dealt with or had a cure invented for? The best part? this website described the surgical procedure used to fix arthrofibrosis, and it's the exact procedure I'm having done tomorrow morning. Up until this point yesterday I was a roiling mass of nerves - teetering on the edge of a permanent panic attack; a state I was sure was going to last up until I was conked out on the operating table. Instead, learning about this condition calmed me - and I couldn't figure out why. It was my awesome friend Rose who opened my eyes. She explained that in finding a name I was no longer just suffering from "something unknown", that it was an actual medical condition and that it had a definite FIX and a CURE - whereas before I believed the doc was shooting in the dark trying to fix my messed up leg. She pointed out that all this time I'd blamed myself for failing the first time around, but now I knew that it wasn't all my fault, that what had happened to me was real and has happened to others.
She was right. And after that not only have I been eerily calm, I've been excited - ready to face this and get it over with. Yesterday, for the first time, I let myself think of all the things I could do again if I was walking once more. I've not let myself go there because I had such high hopes for the first surgery - and when they were dashed it threw me into such a black depression. I've been afraid to hope too high, but yesterday I went there for a few moments. There are things I miss so very, very much - and in the next few months these might be things I can do again. Go out dancing, walk around the French Quarter in New Orleans, curl up in bed at night, sit cross-legged or with one leg pulled up under my chin, dance around the house when no one is home, dress up and look nice - no matter how dressed-up I was the fact remained that I always had a crutch stuffed up under my arm - how nice can you look hobbling around?, enjoy the outdoors, walk on the beach, walk around the mall, go shopping period...just a few.
I ask that each and every one of you, please, think of me, say a prayer for me, light a candle for me - whatever it is you do to send good, safe vibes to someone; tomorrow morning around 9am CST, please do this for me. I've got a virtual army over here praying for me; you don't have to be Christian to believe in the "power of prayer". It works - whether you see it as being answered by God or the magic of many people focusing their energy on one thing - it's a very powerful act. Right now I'm fearing the usual pre-surgery fears more than the pain I'll experience afterwards and the battle I'll have to fight. I think that's normal, anytime you are going to get put to sleep there's a fear you won't wake back up; it's such an unnatural thing to do to your body. Not that I'm not fearing the pain - but I know I've got the strength and endurance to see it through this time. This time I'm ready to fight, last time they led me into it believing it would be a breeze and I was wholly unprepared for the complications that came about. Anyway, please send me your thoughts and well-wishes; I would so very greatly appreciate it.
Until I can get here to the keys again and let you know I made it through and am progressing nicely, I've asked my friend Rose to give you an update tomorrow evening - so do check back.
That's all for now. I'll likely post more today - as the day progresses I know my feelings will change; I'm on a bit of a roller-coaster. But for now I feel fine, and ready.