Strange as it may seem, this life is based on a true story." - Ashleigh Brilliant
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Saturday, August 28, 2004
I don't have time to post - I really shouldn't be posting at all as I'm supposed to be getting ready to leave for dinner at Baret's sister's house tonight. But that's kind of been the running theme in my life as of late - trying to squeeze in things I want to do with all of the things that are piled on top of me.
I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of deadlines, anxiety, unpaid bills, the roller-coaster of recovery from my surgery, and good 'ole stress. I'm stuck in this nauseating wave of too-much-to-do-and-not-enough-time-to-do-it which leaves even less time for doing the-things-I-like-to-do-that-relax-and-destress-me. I'm sure just about every suffers from this particular conundrum in today's lightening-paced society - but I guess some people are better able to handle it.
I let myself get so stressed out this week with work, bills that are starting to come in from my hospital jaunt, family issues and arguments with Baret that I actually came to a point where I was struck completely numb. I couldn't think, couldn't function, couldn't make a decision about what to do next or what I wanted to do. By Friday all of this stress had complied on top of me - burying me in an avalanche of jittery anxiety and teetering on the verge of a panic attack. It was then that I decided it was time to start seeing my therapist again and go ahead and began trodding down the path of Those on Happy Pills. I just need something to help me cope with all of life's demands these days.
I'm someone that needs my recoupe time - and every evening this week, and the last and the one before it has been filled with either social obligations, work-at-home, or stress and fighting. I've had no time to seek refuge from my stress and it's destroying me. I need a fucking break - I need something to help me cope with non-stop train wreck my life has become. There, I said it - I'm admitting it - I NEED HELP! That's the first step, right?
In all of this stress though there has been some light - when I returned home yesterday I had email from a fraternity organization that puts out a "risk management" publication for college students around the U.S. They tackle many issues and this issue they would like to tackle self-injury; mainly cutting. It's a one-piece publication that includes a photo and resources for help along with a personal story. They read my personal self-injury story, Chronicles of a Self-Injurer and want to use it. I can't even begin to tell you what this means to me. Even more than the joy of being actually published (which is my dream), my story will reach an even wider audience and will help so many more people who are suffering from self-injury and think they are all alone. I can't tell you how many young women have emailed or IMed me after reading my site to tell me they thought they were the only ones in the world who self-injured and how much of a relief it was to them to know they weren't the only ones.
I went back and read the story, which I wrote in early 2000 at the start of my therapy and recovery for my problem; it's definitely not my best writing, but it's open and honest and I hope it will help someone.
Now I'm running late and Baret is fussing. Have a good weekend all.