Strange as it may seem, this life is based on a true story." - Ashleigh Brilliant
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True blue Scorpio
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Monday, December 06, 2004
Hello, my name is The Grinch.
I've been doing some soul-searching as to my current state of aggravated apathy and this growing distaste for anything Christmas-related.
It could have something to do with amassing a year's worth of parties, get-togethers, and gatherings in less than one month's time. I'm not an overly social creature by nature. Though I do love my friends & family and do enjoy social gatherings, I do not relish partaking in them on every single second-off-from-work that I have. This rushing to be everywhere and see everyone is ridiculous. With no time to myself or to hole up in my house and do "my thing", I'm slowly going insane. Not everyone needs the back-to-me time that I do, but it is essential to my emotional and mental well-being. I suck up a lot of what is around me and after many days of constant contact with other people, I find myself at the very bottom of a dark and desolate muck. I need time to rinse myself clean of everyone's emotions and thoughts. I'm an empath - you can think that's weird or crazy and you can absolutely not believe its true - but the fact is that after much rubbing elbows, I am drained and unable to connect to myself. This holds truer the older I get and the Christmas season drains on me a little more every year. I find myself depressed, dreading the next social gathering and wishing it would all end as quickly as possible.
I was reading blog postings from December of last year, and I was no ray of light at that time either. Perhaps this is just a rough time of year for me for the above named reason and because of the weather. Have you ever spent December in Louisiana? Let me tell you what you're missing. A look out of the window shows an overcast and blustery sky. It looks chilly - you expect it to be chilly because wherever you're looking from is likely cold from the a/c. Then you step outside, expecting the chill of a gray, windy day and are smacked with warm air so heavy it feels as if an actual weight has descended upon your skin. Your perfect coif melts into a damp, springy mess and you start to sweat even if you just bathed. The humidity is so heavy it's almost hard to breathe, and the warm wind only makes it worse. It's December and you want it to be cold, but it just isn't - it's hot, sticky and clothes-clinging humid. Then it rains - it rains for 2 or 3 days - stopping and starting with no end. You expect the rain to bring cooler weather, but it remains hot (high 70s) and becomes even more humid. There's a reason the song was not written "I'm dreaming of a humid Christmas" or even "I'm dreaming of a soggy, tepid, muggy Christmas." It's depressing as all hell. Everything is hot, wet, clammy and miserable.
I can't even find a good reason to claim celebrating Christmas anymore. It's for children and Christians - of which I am neither. For those two groups, it's a magical, fun and special holiday. It is none of those things for me anymore. It's trying to get all of the shopping done while attending all of the parties. It's smiling when I don't want to and coming up with something pithy to say when I don't feel like chatting.
For me, it's also spending money on gifts that will never be used or looked at twice, and feeling like a scumbag when I see a homeless person on the side of the road. Perhaps that's what Christmas is about for me. The real giving - the kind that counts. Getting Aunt Martha that mohair scarf she's been wanting is not giving - not in the sense that I believe Christmas is supposed to be about. Maybe next year I can request that all money I normally would've spent on gifts for friends & family, I'm donating or using to make "packages" of food and necessities that I can hand out to homeless people (something I've always wanted to do). Maybe I'll spend Xmas itself in a soup kitchen somewhere, handing out food to the less fortunate. That would mean something to me. That would make me feel spiritual and uplifted and cheerful.
I might've just talked myself into realizing what the spirit of Christmas is for me. Maybe there's something there in this Grinch-sized heart after all.