Strange as it may seem, this life is based on a true story." - Ashleigh Brilliant


name: shanna
age: 28
sign: scorpio
live: louisiana
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Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Last night we went clothes shopping. This is probably not the brightest thing to do three days before Xmas, but in getting ready for the last holiday party we attended, we realized that all of Baret's clothes are old and faded.

Shopping for a man of my love's proportions (or lack thereof) can be rather tricky. I won't go into much detail about it, because these things are looked at differently by men whereas a woman would be thrilled to have to buy her pants in the kids section. I said too much, didn't I? Frankly, I don't know why he's embarrassed - I think he's the most handsome, adorable little man in the world - and he's properly sized in all of the places that count, so who cares? Its part of his Cajun heritage to be "small" and I think he should be proud of it. Besides, if we could bottle that metabolism of his, we'd be filthy fucking rich.

I also noted that the "Pharmacy" sign on the Albertson's we passed was out, so that it read "harmacy". Indeed.

I'm 82% braindead from the stress I've been under. I'd like to share with you what happened yesterday, but I be forewarned that I simply can't be nice or even slightly objective about it; well I need to be somewhat tactful. Let's just say this - when an engineer cannot install a printer cartridge in his printer, it's really beyond any help I can offer. The problem, however, was not just that he couldn't do it but that he feels it is not his job to install a new printer cartridge in his printer - you know, he is so above that. If he had simply attempted to do it himself, he might could have eventually figured it out - but rather than attempt it, he chose to try and make me angry enough that I'd just throw up my hands and go down there and do it for him - because it's my job, apparently, to hold everybody's hand through the most basic of computer functions.

Let me state, again, for the record that the statement "I shouldn't have to know anything about computers; my job is not computers" holds NO FUCKING WATER with me. Since 95% of your job is performed using a computer then, yes, it IS part of your job to "know computers" - at least the basic functions like turning it on, minimizing windows, restarting and installing a fucking printer cartridge when you've done so a thousand times before. Ahem. Thank you.

For those of you that didn't know, i.t. work is one of the most thankless jobs in the world.

I recently received another of those please-help-me-by-giving-me-all-of-your-banking-information-and-I-will-reward-you-with-millions-of-dollars emails. The ones Kat likes to write mock letters back to. I thought of her when I got this one and, bored one day, wrote up my own. I figured I'd stick in this post since I really have nothing else interesting to say and this takes the burden off of my poor mind having to actually think.

The original letter:


Dear Benefactor,

With the hopes that you are ok and doing fine, I could have notified you about it at least for the sake of your integrity. Please accept my sincere apologies. I have to say that I have no intentions of causing you any pains.

My name is Ronald Guei, the son of late General Robert Guei,the ex-military head of state of Ivory Coast, who was murdered along with the interior minister on the 19th of September 2002(You can visit
for complete review of this incident). I contacted you because of my need to deal with persons whom my family and I have had no previous personal relationship with. Since the murder of my father, I have been subjected to all sorts of harassment and intimidation with lots of negative reports emanating from the Government and the press about my family. As a result I have to run to the Netherlands where I am now seeking political asylum.

The present Government has also ensured that our bank accounts are frozen and all assets seized. It is in view of this that I seek your co-operation and assistance in the transfer of the sum of Eight Million Six hundred thousand United States Dollars (US$8,600,000.00), after the murder of my father, the Current Government seized all our properties and our accounts both local and international was frozen. My only hope now is this cash that my father carefully packaged and deposited as artifacts with a security/Courier Company in the Netherlands in Europe. The said sum can easily be withdrawn or paid to a recommended beneficiary; the security company based on my or my mother's instructions will release the fund to you and you will be presented as my partner who will be fronting for me in area of viable and profitable business investment. To show my preparedness and appreciation to carry-out this business with you, 20%of the total sum will be your share for assisting my family; also 5% is to be set aside for any eventual cost that might arise as the transaction proceeds, and the balance 75% will be for my family and you will assist us in investing in a profitable venture in your country. I need your full support and co-operation for the success of this transaction. I plead with you to treat this issue confidential and urgent because it is delicate and it demands a great degree of secrecy.

Note: your email address will remain confidential in order to protect your anonymity and our continuity. I hope to hear from you as soon as possible. You can reach me on my Telephone Number (0031-629-215-703)

God Bless you and your family.

Ronald Guei.

My response:

From: Mary Montgomery(

Mr. Business Partner,

I sure am glad you emailed me! My sister, Bethany Ann, just had her sixth child (for her boss, but that don't matter 'cause only God can judge). We have been prayin for a miracle - something to help the family out in these dire times.

You see, me and my husband, Joe, only have a two bedroom trailer and our extra room is for Joe's pet boa constrictors. Bethany Ann still lives at home with Ma, and, well, to be honest, Ma's just about run out of room for Bethany Ann and all her children. She said the new baby's gonna have to sleep under the porch. I sure don't want my niece or nephew sleepin under no porch. We didn't know where Bethany Ann could go; it's hard enough raising five kids working at the Dollar General during the day and Denny's at night. And her Geo Metro is just about to crap out on her as well. Only two of Bethany Ann's ex-husbands and boyfriends send her money for the kids; one of 'em because the government makes him and the other only sends $35 money orders every two months.

Then there's my brother, Wesley. See, Wesley needs money for a good lawyer so he can get out of jail. It's a stupid thing, really, and I don't think it was very Christian of him (but that don't matter 'cause only God can judge). See, my brother Wesley thought it'd be real fun to strip naked and rob the gas station here in town. Of course, Mr. Penton recognized him right away and called the police on him; it was the 8th time Wesley had been arrested for tryin to rob that gas station and this time the judge thought it would teach him a lesson if he sat in jail for awhile. I don't think that's fair, though, because Wesley just does stupid things like that when he's drinkin and Judge Wallace knows that. Heck, we all grew up on the same street. Still, we need some money for a lawyer for Wesley, too, you see.

Bethany Ann needs a home for her six kids, Ma needs her space, Wesley needs a lawyer, and I need an end to all this family stress. Then your email comes just like an Angel in the night - I knew the good Lord would answer my prayers!

I was wondering if there could be an advance on some of this money; something up front just so I know you're not yanking my chain or nuthin. It don't have to be much - just something so I know this is legit. When I first saw your subject line, "CRAVING YOUR INDULGENCE", I thought this was just another of them spam emails offering me free sex.

I know you said this is supposed to be all top-secret and hush-hush, but I just had to ask my pastor if doing this would be alright with the Almighty Lord. He said that Jesus wouldn't mind, so I guess we're in business.

I know you gave me your phone number, but we can't afford long distance and I was wondering if we could just continue this in email for awhile. I get on the computers here at the library in the city, and that will do just fine, I think.

I'm really sorry to hear that your dad got killed and all, and I sure don't mind helping out a fellow Christian in need. I'm so glad that you chose me and my family to help you with this very serious and important matter and assure you that you have chosen wisely. We're good people.

Hope to hear back from ya soon, Richard.

Mary Montgomery

Please don't force me to think up any other words to post - you'll just have to wait until I can refill my brain with holiday wine and after-dinner beer, and all will be back to normal.

- shanna bared her soul & griped a bit @ 12:06 PM

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