Strange as it may seem, this life is based on a true story." - Ashleigh Brilliant
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Thursday, January 27, 2005
Let me tell you a tale - a tale of bad haircuts, Jesus, and fornication. A tale about
Last night at a local chain beauty parlor I had the privilege of meeting Born Again Hairdresser. BAH looked to be in her mid-thirties with the long, permed, bleached hair w/ black roots-very-80's-hair-band-and-hairspray-look. Sadly she wasn't sporting this 'do because the 80's are back in style…it was obviously the style she's worn since the 80's. You can't fake split ends & burnt hair like that - it's a project that’s been in the works for decades.
Born Again Hairdresser was very nice and we started chatting about mundane things. I'm not sure why hairdressers feel the need to make idle chatter with you; as if it would be rude if they didn't speak to you at all. Frankly, I'd prefer it that way - but I can be pretty anti-social at times. Anyway, BAH started off innocently enough but flew in for the kill as soon as she was sure I wasn't going to kill her when she loped off into Jesus territory - or maybe she would've went there anyway; this woman felt that spreading the gospel was all she was born to do.
"I had a guy in here earlier," she told me, "He said that when he tells people he's an insurance agent, they kind of back off from him. I told him I know how he feels - that's how people react when I tell them I'm Christian."
The problem is not that BAH is Christian; the reason that people run from her is because she is a born-again Christian who wants to talk about absolutely nothing ELSE. She then proceeds to tell me that she spreads the gospel from her chair, while she does hair. I'm thinking, "you're right, there is a god, and he hates me."
She went on to tell me how she'd been saved, how Christ had been calling for her all these years, and how it was her duty to spread the gospel to everyone all the time. I'm thinking that right now I don't like her Jesus, but I listened patiently while she massacred my hair - paying more attention to her sermon spiel than the task at hand. I smiled and nodded, and ooh'ed and ahh'ed at the appropriate parts. She told me how Jesus had come into her life and changed her from a pothead, alcohol-drinking tattoo artist who *gasp* was a sinning fornicator (no, she said that) to a gospel-spreading, bad-bleached-job beautician who can't cut hair.
I literally had to bite the inside of my mouth to keep from laughing when she talked about how she'd "dabbled" in "New Age" stuff - "but it's all so hideous," she told me, looking mortified. "They teach you that you have god inside you - that you can be a god. And that's so wrong - the only way to god is through Jesus." She went on to explain that she, too, used to question how there could be so many other (and older) religions, but she knew now (because Jesus told her) that all other religions were the products of Satan trying to lure you away from the truth of Christianity. It's amazing the simplicity with which ignorance can explain something away.
Then she went off on the Catholic church - yes, she was one of those. She told me how she literally would preach to Catholics that sat in her chair and tell them they were wrong and how if they didn't leave their church and follow Jesus and Jesus-only-gosh-darnit they were going to go to hell. Methinks BAH isn't going to be working here long.
Afterwards Baret queried me as to why I didn't stand up for my own beliefs and tell her I didn't agree with her. There were a few reasons. First, she was very nice and the sad truth of the matter is, in her heart of hearts, this woman believed she was helping me - yes, it's fucked up and twisted, but she felt like she was saving my soul. Even if her ideas are wack, her heart was in the right place. Second, I felt really sorry for her. I felt sad that she had completely given her life up to something that is going to control her such as this will - that she is going to ban just about anyone who doesn't believe as she does from ever giving her a second chance at knowing her; she's right that kind of shit puts people off. It was nice that she was so happy spiritually, but I'm very against shoving my beliefs down others throats. Which is why I didn't stand up for my own at the time - besides, what difference would it have made? Had we banged heads about religion and esoteric issues, it would have been be fruitless. She sure as hell wasn't going to change my mind, and I doubt anything - no matter how logical - I said to her wasn't going to make a dent in her Jesus wall.
What I'm amazed at is that she's still working there. If she throws this shit at everyone that sits in that chair, someone, eventually, is going to complain. Unless they're all non-Catholic Christians. Considering that the vast majority of Christians down this way are Catholic, I would assume she's insulted a few people already. I can only imagine what her co-workers must think; the girl that works right next to her looked like she wanted to stab her pick comb through her ears; can you imagine how many times a night she has to hear that same insane shit?!
The result of my meeting with BAH is that I'm not born-again or saved (Evil 1, Jesus 0), I felt so sorry for this woman that I gave her a huge tip, hoping she'd use the money to move to Illinois like she'd talked about doing (Evil 1, Jesus 1), and I ended up with my very own now-in-style 80's feather 'do; which is not what I asked for. It looks something like this (Evil 1, Jesus 2). Damnit! One of these days, Jesus - I'll get you, my pretty.