Strange as it may seem, this life is based on a true story." - Ashleigh Brilliant


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name: shanna
age: 28
sign: scorpio
live: louisiana
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The current mood of shanna at www.imood.com

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Pin-up girl by Rion Vernon; used with permission. Header design by the totally awesome Rose. The rest by moi.


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Monday, October 31, 2005

Happy Halloween - Blessed Samhain!

I hope everyone has a great and safe holiday. Details later today about the fabulous Halloween party my family threw Saturday night. It involves the plight of matchmaking cows, naked vampires, and gallons of Southern Comfort.


- shanna bared her soul & griped a bit @ 5:06 AM
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Friday, October 28, 2005

A damn good way to spend a Friday night?

Drinking beer, eating pizza and playing Need for Speed, Hot Pursuit 2, on the PS2 with your man.

Even better?

Totally kicking his ass on the virtual highway.

It's the little things.


- shanna bared her soul & griped a bit @ 5:50 PM
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It's Friday; otherwise known in the blogosphere as "the day you can write whatever you want because no one is going to read it". Friday posts are almost totally superfluous.

Halloween is fast approaching - it's my absolute favorite holiday. The family is planning a huge Halloween bash this Saturday; it should be loads of fun. I'm going to be a flapper girl this year; the costume is so cute. I promise pictures this time - no really!

November is next week. Then December and Christmas and, whoops, there went 2005. Over; just like that. Is anyone else even slightly disturbed by the terrifyingly fast pace at which time has sped up?? It's almost unnatural.

Other than that, I really don't have anything else. I got back on Zoloft last night, so hopefully this loopy, cloud-headedness will go away soon. I don't exactly relish feeling like I'm about to pass out every few minutes. But, who does?

Have a great and spooky weekend.


- shanna bared her soul & griped a bit @ 5:25 AM
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Thursday, October 27, 2005

I'm an idiot.

I'll go ahead and say that now. For someone that's usually passably intelligent, I can do some pretty dumb things sometimes.

So lately I've been extremely light-headed; loopy as all hell, right? It makes it hard to concentrate and sometimes a big "whoosh" of dizziness almost knocks me off my feet. I'm thinking, "Holy shit, I have brain cancer or something." Then I remember; no, dumbass, you just up and stopped taking your Zoloft cold turkey.

"When one stops Zoloft too rapidly a withdrawal syndrome may develop. Among the symptoms that may be experienced are nausea, tremors, lightheadedness, muscle pains, weakness, insomnia, and anxiety." (about.com - Zoloft Withdrawal, MAOIs vs. SSRIs)

Duh.

And I knew it was wrong to stop taking anti-depressants cold turkey. I knew it could fuck me up and cause all kinds of weird withdrawal symptoms. But I did it anyway.

Real smart, eh?


- shanna bared her soul & griped a bit @ 6:40 AM
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Wednesday, October 26, 2005

I'm getting so sick of seeing this piece of shit floating around in my Inbox every other day:

Been sitting here with my ass in a wad, wanting to speak out about the bullshit going on in New Orleans.

For the people of New Orleans... First we would like to say, Sorry for your loss.

With that said, Lets go through a few hurricane rules: (Unlike an earthquake, we know it's coming)

#1. A manditory evacuation means just that... Get the hell out. Don't blame the Government after they tell you to go. If they hadn't said anything, I can see the arguement. They said get out... if you didn't, it's your fault, not theirs. (We don't want to hear it, even if you don't have a car, you can get out.)

#2. If there is an emergency, stock up on water and non-perishables. If you didn't do this, it's not the governments fault you're starving.

#2a. If you run out of food and water, find a store that has some. (Remember, shoes, TV's, DVD's and CD's are not edible. Leave them alone.)

#2b. If the local store is too looted of food or water, leave your neighbor's tv and stereo alone. (See # 2a) They worked hard to get their stuff. Just because they were smart enough to leave during a manditory evacuation, doesn't give you the right to take their stuff... it's theirs, not yours.

#3. If someone comes in to help you, don't shoot at them and then complain no one is helping you. I'm not getting shot to help save some dumbass who didn't leave when told to do so.

#4. If you are in your house that is completely under water, your belongings are probably too far gone for anyone to want them. If someone does want them, Let them have them and hopefully they'll die in the filth. Just leave! (For Christ's sakes, it's New Orleans, find a voodoo warrior and put a curse on them)

#5. My tax money should not pay to rebuild a 2 million dollar house, a sports stadium or a floating casino. Also, my tax money shouldn't go to rebuild a city that is under sea level. You wouldn't build your house on quicksand would you? You want to live below sea-level, do your country some good and join the Navy.

#6. Regardless what the Poverty Pimps Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton want you to believe, The US Government didn't create the Hurricane as a way to erradicate the black people of New Orleans; (Neither did Russia as a way to destroy America). The US Government didn't cause global warming that caused the hurricane (We've been coming out of an ice age for over a million years).

#7. The government isn't responsible for giving you anything. This is the land of the free and the home of the brave, but you gotta work for what you want. McDonalds and Walmart are always hiring, get a damn job and stop spooning off the people who are actually working for a living.

President Kennedy said it best... "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country."

Thank you for allowing me to rant.


First, and foremost, George Carlin did not write this sorry excuse for a rant. A quick stop over at Snopes before hitting "Send" would save everyone a lot of aggravation.

Yet even people who know it isn't Carlin forward it along with a "this is still hilarious - I totally agree!!" message. Really, you ignorant fuck? Becaue of this disaster, 1,302 people are dead. Yeah, real fucking funny. I can't seem to stop laughing.

It's very easy to look at something so terrible, and bitch about the people who need help - especially the ones audacious enough to demand it. No, I don't agree with the actions of a large number of my fellow Louisianaians, but I'm not ignorant enough to group every single person that went through the nightmare of post-Katrina into a greedy, welfare-addicted, piece of trash.

Have you ever lived in New Orleans? Do you know jack fucking shit about New Orleans? I have, and I do. Here's a little bit of info for those of you that feel justified "agreeing" with the tripe above.

#1. A manditory evacuation means just that... Get the hell out. Don't blame the Government after they tell you to go. If they hadn't said anything, I can see the arguement. They said get out... if you didn't, it's your fault, not theirs. (We don't want to hear it, even if you don't have a car, you can get out.)

News Flash: New Orleans is a city. It is a smaller version of a concrete jungle with excellent public transportation. People don't own cars in New Orleans because it is easier, and more economic, to walk and ride the bus to get around. Much like in New York, Chicago, etc. Not every NOLA-native that is carless is so because they are too poor to afford one.

Of course, there are those that are. The rant claims that "even if you don't have a car, you can get out." Really? I'd like to hear this - how so? Please, enlighten me on how you can get out of the city without a car; keeping in mind, of course, that the airlines were jammed, Amtrak & Greyound had been shut down before the storm hit.

A large number of people stranded in New Orleans during and after Katrina were tourists and/or business travelers; even with all of their money and resources they were unable to book themselves on a flight, a bus, a taxi...what have you. If it was so easy to "get out" - then why couldn't they? Why were a "large number" of people "stranded" in New Orleans tourists? Perhaps it wasn't so easy to get out - ever think of that? How's this? Unlesss you were there and saw what avenues of escape were available and which were endless dead-ends, shut the fuck up.

#2. If there is an emergency, stock up on water and non-perishables. If you didn't do this, it's not the governments fault you're starving.

#2a. If you run out of food and water, find a store that has some. (Remember, shoes, TV's, DVD's and CD's are not edible. Leave them alone.)

#2b. If the local store is too looted of food or water, leave your neighbor's tv and stereo alone. (See # 2a) They worked hard to get their stuff. Just because they were smart enough to leave during a manditory evacuation, doesn't give you the right to take their stuff... it's theirs, not yours.


Have you ever gone shopping for supplies prior to a hurricane? Even before a minor hurricane with little threat, the shelves are quickly bare of essentials like water, non-perishables, flashlights, batteries, radios, etc.

Katrina came quickly; there was little time to prepare. Also, stores and supply shops quickly closed down and boarded up - so places to purchase supplies became even fewer. Again, if you weren't there...what the hell do you know?

Most people who broke into stores did take things they needed to survive. Not everyone was rampantly looting and stealing from their neighbors. Please remember this. Not everyone saw this as a free-for-all. There were real people who were truly desperate getting things they needed to survive.

Yes, there were rapacious looters. As there were in Biloxi, MS after Katrina, as there were in Texas after Rita and as there are now in Mexico after Wilma. I don't see people lumping every one trying to survive into a greedy looter in those places. It happens - everywhere.


#3. If someone comes in to help you, don't shoot at them and then complain no one is helping you. I'm not getting shot to help save some dumbass who didn't leave when told to do so.


I'm getting very tired of this ignorant gripe. In case you weren't aware, the majority of shots fired were desperate people on rooftops trying to get the 'copters attention.

It wasn't 'BANG-BANG' - "Rescue us, motherfuckers, or I'll shoot at you again!", it was 'BANG-BANG' - "Over here! We're over here! Please save us!!". The rescue crews mistakenly thought they were being shot at and retreated. Most of the shots were fired at the ground (or into the water, I should say).

Sure, there were some - some - morons shooting at rescue crews or law enforcement. The majority, however, were not. End of story.

#4. If you are in your house that is completely under water, your belongings are probably too far gone for anyone to want them. If someone does want them, Let them have them and hopefully they'll die in the filth. Just leave! (For Christ's sakes, it's New Orleans, find a voodoo warrior and put a curse on them)

Hey - know what? Fuck you. People from New Orleans, love New Orleans. Refusing to be rescued wasn't just about staying behind to watch the house and possessions. It was shock over losing everything they'd ever had or worked for, and then also having to abandon the city and community they held so dear to their hearts.

These people were shell-shocked, hurt and broken. They've lost everything, and then someone comes along and tries to take them away from what little they have left. Naturally, they're going to balk and refuse to go. They are scared and hurt. Have you ever lost everything you ever had? Didn't think so.

#5. My tax money should not pay to rebuild a 2 million dollar house, a sports stadium or a floating casino. Also, my tax money shouldn't go to rebuild a city that is under sea level. You wouldn't build your house on quicksand would you? You want to live below sea-level, do your country some good and join the Navy.

So next time tornadoes wipe out homes in the central U.S., they shouldn't be rebuilt and the homeowners should be given nothing? When mudslides and earthquakes wreak havoc on multi-million dollar California homes and huge prominent cities, nothing should be done?

If you don't want your tax money going to help fellow Americans that have lost everything, and to rebuild a major metropolitan city and national landmark, exactly what do you want it spent on?

New Orleans is below sea-level so it shouldn't be rebuilt? This is your logic, ignoramus? Sure, let's not rebuild New Orleans; it's just another city - it doesn't serve any real purpose, right?

Here's a few facts for you, about this useless city that you don't seem to think is important enough to rebuild:

The Port of South Louisiana, located in New Orleans, "is the fourth largest port in the world in terms of raw tonnage, and among the largest U.S. ports for several major commodities, including cement and coffee" (wiki: New Orleans).

Oil is pretty important to America, and to the world, wouldn't you agree? New Orleans "is home to the corporate offices of oil companies with major offshore operations in the Gulf of Mexico, as well as the distribution and service centers of offshore equipment suppliers and fabricators. The manufacturing industry is a significant part of the economy, with petroleum, petrochemical, shipbuilding, and aerospace industries all playing a role. The New Orleans region also functions as a mining, processing, and transportation center for other minerals, principally sulfur. Service industries are playing a larger role, with health care and telecommunications leading the way. The New Orleans region is widely regarded as a leading center of medicine and health care in the South". (infoplease - New Orleans)

Louis Armstrong International Airport is located in New Orleans. For a city so unimportant, the need for an international airport seems pretty impressive to me. New Orleans is also a "major rail, highway, air, and river hub" (encyclopedia.com - New Orleans).

The multi-cultural, diverse and unique atmosphere of the Big Easy is responsible for giving us the talents of Louis Armstrong, Truman Capote, Kitty Carlisle, Fats Domino, Jelly Roll Morton, Lillian Hellman and Dorothy Lamour; all from New Orleans (famous Louisianians). It has also been an inspiration to some of America's greatest icons and artists: Tennesse Williams, John Grisham, Stephen Ambrose, Anne Rice, William Faulkner, George Rodrigue; all from or inspired by New Orleans.

Interesting - but let's not rebuild. Who needs it?

#6. Regardless what the Poverty Pimps Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton want you to believe, The US Government didn't create the Hurricane as a way to erradicate the black people of New Orleans; (Neither did Russia as a way to destroy America). The US Government didn't cause global warming that caused the hurricane (We've been coming out of an ice age for over a million years).

I agree with you on this one, though it has little to do with the people of New Orleans. Jessie Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Louis Farrakhan, to name a few, are a bunch of self-serving, hypocritical morons.

#7. The government isn't responsible for giving you anything. This is the land of the free and the home of the brave, but you gotta work for what you want. McDonalds and Walmart are always hiring, get a damn job and stop spooning off the people who are actually working for a living.

I'm not sure who you're aiming this at. If you're using this as an argument against the poor of New Orleans, it's a little late, don't you think? Telling them to "get a job" at this juncture is...a little pointless. And stupid.

The sad thing is, whatever jackass wrote all of this really sees himself as clever and witty. That's the real joke here.


- shanna bared her soul & griped a bit @ 5:28 AM
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Sunday, October 23, 2005

Last night we held a party at our place to celebrate a close friend's 30th birthday. A wonderful time was had by all, and I was reminded once again how blessed I am to have such amazing and special people in my life; even moreso that I am able to call each of them "friend".


- shanna bared her soul & griped a bit @ 9:03 AM
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Thursday, October 20, 2005

Holy fuck. Seriously? Is this what it means to be an adult? Is this really what growing up is all about?

As a child, you can't wait to be older - to be "grown up". But grown-ups yearn for the innocence and ignorance of childhood. The grass is always greener, right? Or does being a responsible adult just suck that bad?

I always said I'd never let myself be miserable for something so paltry as security. Of course, I was a bit younger then. I suppose my early twenties weren't that long ago; I'll be 28 in less than two weeks. But I crammed a lot of living into those formative years.

Me, who has faced living in poverty and having no food in my belly or roof over my head - and STILL survived - I always swore I wouldn't get caught up in the "regular" world of working my ass off just to pay my basic bills; that I would never compromise my freedom and happiness for stability. Yet here I am. And now that I'm here, I don't know if I can get out from under it.

I've grown accustomed to my warm meals every night, my comfortable bed, my cute car, my myriad of electronic gadgets and toys. I've come to appreciate the roof over my head and the small comforts of "home". Things I swore I'd never have faith in.

The thing is, I don't know if I've "grown up" or "given in"...


- shanna bared her soul & griped a bit @ 4:51 PM
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Sunday, October 16, 2005

Just for the record, the latest Nickelback album, All the Right Reasons, motherfucking rocks.

(Thanks, Mom!)

That's all.


- shanna bared her soul & griped a bit @ 10:07 PM
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As the weekend draws to a close, I find myself dreading the work week ahead.

Not that there's anything in particular going on, just that I find myself dreading my job all the time now.

Things came to a head with my boss last week; forgive me for not posting an update but I've been trying to make peace with it all in my own head. It's been a rough time.

Basically, I went over his head to his supervisor. I got fussed at because of that - and because of a few other things (all hypocritical, naturally) - but it got him off his ass and they're working on promotion now. Of course, with the budget cuts and huge dent Katrina and Rita have put in the state's revenues, I'm not foolish enough to think it's going to go through. He tries to say it's taking so long because it's such a huge jump (position and wage-wise), but it's a lie. Had they started on this when they were supposed to, the effects of the hurricanes wouldn't be a factor.

But for now I'm playing nice and playing along; seeing what's going to come of it. What else can you do? In some ways, I'm stuck. Looking for a job is not really an option in post-Katrina Baton Rouge (or the surrounding areas), and with my leg problems, I can't afford to leave the state - I need that awesome insurance. Like I said, all we can do is wait and see where it goes.

It's a miserable state, I'll admit. I don't like this - it's all so petty and ridiculous. I just want to go in, do my job - do it well - and come home. All these office politics and ego-trips make me sick.

Anyways, I've got so many great rants in my head. Hopefully things will slow down enough that I can get back to bitching about the world as I love to do. 'Til then...


- shanna bared her soul & griped a bit @ 4:00 PM
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Friday, October 14, 2005



adopt your own virtual pet!



- shanna bared her soul & griped a bit @ 4:37 AM
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Sunday, October 09, 2005

I have never in my life been the target of pure, unwarranted ill-will; not like this. It's like a punch in the gut.

I recently learned that the real reason feet have been dragged concerning my promotion is that my supervisor has been bad-mouthing me and spreading untruths about me to pertinent people. At first, the betrayal crushed me; I give my all on the job. Then I was furious; I cannot stand to be lied about. Now I'm ready to put him in his place; he has no idea that I have such caring allies.

In all of this, something wonderful has happened, too. Co-workers, who know the truth of the situation - that I work my ass off for hardly no pay and he doesn't do squat for his fat check - who have learned of his pettiness are going to bat for me. They are outraged, they are sick of his two-faced games - and they are taking the necessary steps to prove to the most important people in the agency that I am being done wrong. That means the world to me. As much as his selfish attacks left me feeling betrayed, their willingness to stand up and fight for me - when they didn't have to get involved at all - makes my heart weep with gratitude.

The man is selfish and self-centered, and afraid of my abilities. It would be one thing if I was the only one saying it; but it's obvious to everyone. What he doesn't realize is that people around the office constantly tell me, "When I want something done, I come to you - if we go to him, it never gets done." He underestimates my reputation, and that is going to be his downfall.

The nearly unbearable amount of stress and pain this has caused me this past week and weekend is finally clearing, and all of this has - in the end - done nothing but to make me stronger and determined to work even harder at proving my value to the agency. He will not hold me down any longer.


- shanna bared her soul & griped a bit @ 5:50 AM
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Thursday, October 06, 2005

Turn up your nose at red heads! What ignorance! I pity your lack of taste. Why, man, red is the natural color of beauty! What is there that is really beautiful or grand in Nature or Art, that is not tinted with this primordidal color?
- Mark Twain, "Oh, She Has Red Hair!", Hannibal Daily Journal, 5/13/1853


Tuesday night I dreamed about my niece.

In the dream she was about 5 years old, though I thought she'd just been born! I think is so I could see what she looked like. She had strawberry blonde hair, turning darker - what was someday going to be a beautiful red hair like her mother's. She had my brother's big, brown eyes and long, thick lashes. She was cute, smart, funny, loving. She ran up and gave me a big hug and kiss even though - in the dream - we hadn't met yet. I was told she'd been born in "April".

Originally, the docs had said the due date was March 30, but the 3-month doctor visit yesterday came back with an April 30 due date - so half of my dream was right on. As to the sex, we won't know, because the parents-to-be have decided they want it to be a suprise (much to our dismay!). But we all "feel" it's a girl - and, according to my dream, it is.

We know, if it is, the middle name will be "Grace", as it is a tradition in my brother's girlfriend's family that girls have that middle name; I think it's lovely. They're tossing around Ava (Ava Grace) as a first name, and I'd like to see her named after our great-grandmother, Melina. Isn't Melina Grace pretty? They're also thinking of Riley, but that doesn't go so well with Grace.

I'm still getting my mind around this "being an aunt" thing, but I think it'll be fun. My only hope is that I don't get too attached, only to lose her - my brother wants to move out of state someday, and his girlfriend talks about, someday, moving back to Idaho. But that's their choice, and what can you do? The smartest thing would be for them to stay right here, where our family will help them again and again (my parents are already letting them move back home, and are planning on buying them a trailer and sticking them on a lot behind our house - who wouldn't want such help?!)...but they're young, and don't realize yet the bonuses of staying in such a situation; I can only hope that someday they will.

My brother scoffs at the idea of being given a trailer - "I don't want that," he tells me, "that seems so permanent. I don't want to live the rest of my life in Louisiana." And I don't have the heart to tell him, he who is already so worried about becoming a parent, "It isn't about what you want anymore, little brother." He talks about moving to Seattle in four years. Seattle - when neither of them have a full-time job and there's a baby on the way. They have a lot to learn, eh? They'll learn it, but I'm the big sister and I worry - that's my job.

But, still, I'm excited about this baby - I can't help it. I can't wait to meet her (again) - she seems totally cool and absolutely awesome. I think I'll be more than proud to be her "Aunt Shanna".


- shanna bared her soul & griped a bit @ 7:51 AM
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Wednesday, October 05, 2005

This is what it means to earn a paycheck. This is how it is to be stuck in the "machine". This is my life, and, sometimes, I despise it.

When I'm stressed out, my immune system goes on vacation, and I always end up with a nasty cold. True to form, the enormous amounts of stress I've been under lately is catching up with me and, today, I feel like utter shit.

I'm exhausted and achey - I know I'm running a low-grade fever. I just want to sleep; to rest. But I have so much to do here, I can't stop; I don't stop. It never ends. As soon as I get one thing done, someone else is coming in with something else. It's either setting up employees in new locations who lost offices due to Katrina, or getting ready to launch the new program tomorrow, or doing basic troubleshooting and laptop loading...I'm tired. I'm really tired.

I suppose if the other things weren't present - the insanity and stupidity I've been having to put up with in regards to my promotion - I could handle it better. But nearly two years after when-I-should've-gotten-the-promotion, and they're still dragging ass; well, it's aggravating. The best way I can explain the situation to you is this: My job description (and paycheck) is as a "trainee"; I do 80-90% of what my supervisor does (and some things he doesn't even do, like being the web designer) and he makes three times as much - for doing nearly the same job. Point is, I'm going way and beyond the call of duty here; I'm literally doing a job I'm not being paid to do. The closest comparison I can offer is that it's like being hired, and paid, to wipe the tables but working every day as head manager.

I'm being underpaid so much that the promotion - if it ever happens - will be more than a $5/hour raise. And you can see why it's hard to come in every day and deal with the bullshit I deal with; it isn't worth it. I keep telling myself they'll get off their asses and make this happen for me - get my promotion going - but how long do I wait? How long do I put up with the crap?

I like where I work, for the most part - and I like the vast majority of the people I work with (with some exceptions, of course). I don't want to work somewhere else, but the fact is the people that are running this show are clueless and don't give two simple shits about their employees. They don't care. As long as they continue to collect their fat paychecks and can continue to pretend to work, who cares if the place is falling down around our ears, valuable employees are leaving in disgust, and people are doing jobs they aren't being paid for? No skin off of their self-centered noses, is it?

I'm fed up. Fed up enough that I'm doing something I try not to do much these days - blog about work. But I've got to vent; I've got to get this off my chest. This place is draining my will to live these days; I just don't know how much longer I can deal with this crap.


- shanna bared her soul & griped a bit @ 1:03 PM
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This week sucks.

So I worked 12 hours yesterday. Not so fun. I came home, exhausted and hungry, and Baret poured me a big glass of wine to help me wind down (I was wired from going-going-going all day). But in my exhausted and empty-stomach state my usual two or three glasses got me drunk. I didn't want to get drunk, but I did and today I'm still exhausted and, now, a little hungover.

Work has really been a nightmare. From fighting just to get the promotion I was promised (and deserve) pushed through, to dealing with the fact that half of our higher-ups are a bunch of moronic monkeys, to my supervisor going out of town a week we have very, major important things going on...I losing it.

And then I find out my 10 year high school reunion is this weekend; Saturday, to be exact. I thought it was further into the month. I want to go, and I don't - and now I can't decide. And I'm too tired to really make a decision...and oh jeez, nothing matters at this point.

I'm numb, exhausted, braindead, dehydrated and seriously PMSing. Stay out of my way.


- shanna bared her soul & griped a bit @ 5:59 AM
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